Your Perfect Death
A lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about death, and maybe even thinking about it. But I’ve always felt as if this topic was thrust upon me, from the time I was a small child.
At one point, I figured I better get comfortable with this thing we refer to as “death”, as there sure seems to be a heck of a lot of it in this other thing we refer to as “life.”
Ah, the sweet irony.
notion image
So I became (in my view) more comfortable with death, at an early age, than typical. I experienced many forms of it, from goldfish, to beloved pets (rats as a child and young adult!), to parents (okay, only 1 of my own parents), grandparents, classmates, and later on, co-workers. And I remember almost exclusively for years, reading books that I would categorize as “death and dying” stories! Lurlene McDaniel is one of the authors I read most as a pre-teen.
Sometimes I feel like people can sense this comfort with death in me? If you know me, is it obvious to you? I’m truly curious… as once I started my official death care training in September 2023, I realized I’d been facilitating some form or facet of death care responsibilities (and grief care) for the majority of my life. And perhaps this is all learned facilitation from my own Mother, who may not hold the title of death care worker, but certainly has done more than her fair share of it in this lifetime.
I remember watching Dead Like Me (the TV Series) as a family, which originally aired the year before and year of my Dad’s death. My Mom used to comment on how I reminded her of the main character, George, who is “dead” in the show; which I could understand why. I also remember finding a lot of comfort in a show about death, at 15/16 years old, after my Dad passed away.
So maybe it comes as no surprise to you that I have planned the details of my perfect death!
Perhaps you’re sitting there reading this thinking: “Ember, you’re so weird/crazy.” And you’d be right.
But I have to tell you, there is something truly cathartic in facing your own mortality from a perspective of planning every detail of your perfect death space.
I actually only tackled this exercise as part of my death care training homework… but once it was done, I realized the power the exercise itself held. And so, I present to you an invitation to plan your ideal death!

Before I get into the details, I’d like to share a bit of a disclaimer:

This exercise can be difficult to consider, but it may be insightful, possibly profound, and a gentle way to start considering our own mortality. When we bring our own mortality into the light, it gives us a different perspective on life and allows us to be more present and live our lives more fully.
While planning a fictional dying space is a creative exercise, it does confront the true reality that we will all die, which can be distressing for some people. This exercise may not be suitable or practical for everyone, so I invite you to use your own discernment and intuition before deciding to undergo this creative planning.
I recommend you familiarize yourself, or have access to: tools, resources, or support, that you may need should this become overwhelming. Remember, the most important thing is to take care of yourself and prioritize your mental and emotional health, always.
And just as a reality check, the odds of being able to enact your ideal/perfect death plan are not high. Not many people have the opportunity to know in advance exactly when they are going to die, thus this exercise is likely to remain purely fictional.
My intention in sharing this exercise is to encourage a thoughtful and positive approach to end-of-life planning (even if it is fictional in this instance), and a tool to help you explore your own thoughts and feelings about death and dying. You might release some fear around death, yours specifically, or you might notice nothing. But if you’re curious, read on….

The Exercise:

I invite you to sit in a quiet space, centre yourself, and when you are ready, ponder your own death; the moment of your transition out of this world.
Imagine the setting…where are you? Are you outside in nature? Or in a place that is safe, loving or meaningful to you, possibly inside your home or a sacred space? What can you see? Are there images or objects.....things that you want once last glimpse of or that bring you strength, comfort, power?
What about your people? Is anyone there? Who is it? What are they doing? What does that mean for you?
Consider what you'd like to hear, smell, touch.....
This is your ideal death; it can be anything you want it to be.
Take as much time as you want or need with this, put it down and come back to it. Add to it or edit it over time. There are no rules, this is simply an outline… and if you’re guided to colour outside of the lines, please do.

My experience with the exercise:

Personally, I dove into this for a while. I felt into a lot of things, to see what generated the most peaceful feeling in my body.
I looked online for the perfect structure, and found a pink greenhouse, which I dubbed my “death cabin”, immediately after my partner told me it would be great for growing lettuce 😂
So I sent him this photo in response:
notion image
By the end of my planning, I could easily visualize the space, both inside and outside of my “death cabin.”
I took some creative liberties in my ideal-death, where one half of the sky could be bright and blue, while the other would be filled with stars, the moon, and Aurora Borealis. Look, we can’t realistically choose our death anyways, so I allowed myself to be a little magical with the nature setting, okay?! 😄
This was almost 9 months ago now, so I don’t recall how long I took with it, but I’d guesstimate somewhere in the realm of an hour.
And once I was done with the planning, I cried. I released fear. Fear of the unknown in how and when I’ll actually die, fear of everyone I love dying first, and our seemingly innate fear of death, as humans (another layer of this fear at least). And I released grief. Grief for myself, my own life and loss, for all of the things I never got to do, see, learn, or experience, grief for those who I left behind, grief on behalf of those who survived me, and grief knowing that we can’t actually plan our deaths to be perfect.
And then I acknowledged that there is an abundance of love that creates all of that grief!
I shared the specifics of my vision with my partner, and no one else in great detail. And I keep my full vision written in my Notes app, which I go back and look at from time to time.
I’m so curious to know if you’re wanting to attempt this exercise, and curious to know how it goes. Feel free to let me know if you’re in The Unseen Realm Discord, or see me kickin’ around social media!

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